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Did Three Wise Men Really Visit Baby Jesus?
Our Readers Ask
Did Three Wise Men Really Visit Baby Jesus?
Christmastime lore from South America to Eastern Europe to Asia depicts a Nativity scene with three kings, or wise men, bearing precious gifts for the babe Jesus. Is this story true? Does it line up with the facts? Let us see.
Two Gospels, Matthew and Luke, chronicle the birth of Jesus. These accounts show that only lowly shepherds from nearby fields visited Jesus at his birth. The so-called kings, or wise men, were in reality astrologers, not royalty, and they are not numbered. The astrologers did not journey to the side of a newborn in a manger but arrived when Jesus was a child and was living in a house. Their presence even jeopardized the life of Jesus!
Look closely at the account of Jesus’ birth by Bible writer Luke, and you will find that it says: “There were . . . shepherds living out of doors and keeping watches in the night over their flocks. And suddenly Jehovah’s angel stood by them, and . . . said to them: ‘. . . You will find an infant bound in cloth bands and lying in a manger.’ . . . And they went with haste and found Mary as well as Joseph, and the infant lying in the manger.”—Luke 2:8-16.
Only Joseph, Mary, and the shepherds were present with baby Jesus. No one else is listed in Luke’s report.
Now examine the account at Matthew 2:1-11 from the King James Bible: “Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judea in the days of Herod the king, behold, there came wise men from the east to Jerusalem . . . And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother.”
Notice that the account states just “wise men,” not “three wise men,” and that they first traveled from the east to Jerusalem, not to the birth city of Jesus, Bethlehem. By the time they finally reached Bethlehem, Jesus was a “young child”—no longer a baby—and no longer in a stable but in a house.
Also, while the King James Bible uses the words “wise men” in describing these visitors, other translations use “Magi” or “astrologers.” According to A Handbook on the Gospel of Matthew, the expression “wise men” translates “a Greek noun which originally referred to Persian priests who were experts in astrology.” And The Expanded Vine’s Expository Dictionary of New Testament Words defines the word as “a wizard, sorcerer, a pretender to magic powers, a professor of the arts of witchcraft.”
Although astrology and witchcraft are still popular today, the Bible warns against their use. (Isaiah 47:13-15) They are forms of spiritism and are practices that Jehovah God abhors. (Deuteronomy 18:10-12) That is why no angel of God announced the birth of Jesus to the astrologers. However, by means of divine intervention in a dream, they were warned not to report back to wicked King Herod, since he sought to kill Jesus. So “they withdrew to their country by another way.”—Matthew 2:11-16.
Would true Christians want to perpetuate a fabled Nativity that distorts the truth surrounding the birth of Jesus? Surely the answer is no.
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An Interesting Chronological Chart
An Interesting Chronological Chart
Since the issuance of the book The Time Is at Hand in 1889 the Watch Tower Bible & Tract Society has not published a consecutive chronology from man’s creation onward. In recent years, especially since the revising of our dates back from Jerusalem’s destruction and reconstruction in the 7th and 6th centuries before Christ, some have evidenced the desire to have such a chronology available for ready reference. So on the next two pages we seek to date events of importance to students of God’s Word and incorporate material that has appeared in various recent publications of the Society. The reader will note that many dates are approximate, and these, of course, are subject to revision as we get better evidence concerning the time of the events thus involved.
[Chart on page 221, 222]
(For fully formatted text, see publication)
CHART OF OUTSTANDING HISTORICAL DATES
Symbols: “a” for “after”; “b” for “before”; “c” for “circa or “about”
DATE EVENT REFERENCE
4025 B.C. Adam’s creation (in the fall) Gen. 2:7
a 4025 B.C. Adam writes Doc. No. I, Gen. 1:1-2:4 Gen. 2:4
a 4025 B.C. Edenic covenant made, first prophecy Gen. 3:15
b 3895 B.C. Cain slays Abel Gen. 4:8
3403 B.C. Birth of righteous Enoch Gen. 5:18
3338 B.C. Birth of Methuselah Gen. 5:21
3151 B.C. Birth of Lamech Gen. 5:25
b 3096 B.C. Adam writes Doc. No. II, Gen. 2:5-5:2 Gen. 5:1
3096 B.C. Death of Adam, within his 930th yr. Gen. 5:5
3038 B.C. Transference of Enoch Gen. 5:24
Ends his period of prophesying Jude 14
2969 B.C. Birth of Noah Gen. 5:28, 29
2490 B.C. God’s pronouncement as to mankind Gen. 6:3
2469 B.C. Birth of Japheth Gen. 5:32;
2468 B.C. Birth of Shem Gen. 7:11;
c 2420- Noah begins to build the ark Gen. 6:14
2410 B.C. Noah’s preaching of righteousness
begins 2 Pet. 2:5
2370 B.C. Methuselah dies, within his 969th
year Gen. 5:27
2370 B.C. Flood waters begin to fall (in Nov.) Gen. 7:11
Noah 599 years old or in his 600th yr.
c 2370 B.C. Noah writes Doc. III, Gen. 5:3-6:9 Gen. 6:9
2369 B.C. Flood on earth—Noah 600 years old Gen. 7:6
2369 B.C. Making of the covenant after the
flood Gen. 8:13;
2368 B.C. Birth of Arphaxad Gen. 11:10
a 2239 B.C. Building of the Tower of Babel Gen. 11:4
2020 B.C. Death of Noah, within his 950th yr. Gen. 9:28, 29
a 2020 B.C. Shem, Ham, Japheth write Document IV, Gen. 10:1
2018 B.C. Birth of Abraham Gen. 11:26
a 1978 B.C. Terah writes Doc. No. VI,
1943 B.C. Abraham enters Canaan. Abrahamic Gen. 12:4, 7
covenant made Ex. 12:40;
Beginning of the 430-year period Gal. 3:17
b 1933 B.C. Lot rescued. Abraham visits
Melchizedek Gen. 14:16,
1932 B.C. Ishmael born Gen. 16:15,
1919 B.C. Covenant of circumcision made Gen. 17:1,
a 1919 B.C. Judgment of Sodom and Gomorrah Gen. 19:24
1918 B.C. Birth of Isaac the true heir Gen. 21:2
Beginning of the “about 450 years” Acts 13:19
1913 B.C. Weaning of Isaac. Ishmael sent away Gen. 21:8;
Beginning of the 400-year oppression Acts 7:6
c 1893 B.C. Isaac offered on Moriah. God adds
oath Gen. 22:2, 16
1881 B.C. Death of Sarah, age 127 Gen. 23:1
1878 B.C. Marriage of Isaac and Rebekah Gen. 25:20
b 1868 B.C. Shem writes Doc. No. V,
1868 B.C. Death of Shem, within 600 years Gen. 11:11
1858 B.C. Birth of Esau and Jacob Gen. 25:26
1844 B.C. Death of Abraham, within 175 years Gen. 25:7
a 1843 B.C. Ishmael (and Isaac) writes Document Gen. 25:12
No. VII, Gen. 11:27—25:12
1818 B.C. Esau marries Judith, the Hittitess Gen. 26:34
1796 B.C. Death of Ishmael, within his
137th yr. Gen. 25:17
a 1795 B.C. Isaac writes Document No. VIII, Gen. 25:19
1781 B.C. Jacob flees to Haran; his vision at Gen. 28:2,
Bethel Ge 28:13,
1774 B.C. Jacob marries Leah and Rachel Gen. 29:23-30
1767 B.C. Birth of Joseph Gen. 30:23,
1761 B.C. Jacob returns to Canaan from Haran Gen. 31:18,
c 1761 B.C. Jacob wrestles angel, is named Israel Gen. 32:24-28
1750 B.C. Joseph sold as a slave by his
brothers Gen. 37:2
1739 B.C. Death of Isaac within his 180th year Gen. 35:28,
a 1739 B.C. Esau writes Doc. No. IX,
a 1739 B.C. Esau writes Doc. No. X, Gen. 36:2-9 Gen. 36:9
1737 B.C. Joseph made prime minister of Egypt Gen. 41:40,
b 1728 B.C. Jacob writes Doc. No. XI,
1728 B.C. Jacob with his whole family enters Gen. 45:6;
Egypt Ge 46:26
1712 B.C. Death of Jacob, within his 147th
year Gen. 47:28
1657 B.C. Death of Joseph, age 110 Gen. 50:26
b 1613 B.C. Job’s trial Job 1:8;
c 1600 B.C. Egypt begins growth as 1st world
power Ex. 1:8
1593 B.C. Birth of Moses Ex. 2:2
1553 B.C. Moses offers himself as a deliverer;
c 1514 B.C. Moses at the burning thornbush Ex. 3:2
1513 B.C. Passover; Egypt’s power shaken; Ex. 12:12;
Red Sea disaster; Israelites leave Ex 14:27
Egypt; end of 400-yr. period of Ex. 14:29, 30
affliction Gen. 15:13,
Giving of the Law at Mt. Sinai Ex. 19:3-8
End of the 430-year period Gal. 3:17;
Moses compiles Genesis in wilderness John 5:46
1512 B.C. Tabernacle construction completed Ex. 40:17
Consecration of the Aaronic Lev. 8:34-36
priesthood
Moses writes Exodus and Leviticus Lev. 27:34;
c 1490 B.C. Moses writes the book of Job
1473 B.C. Moses completes Numbers in Moab Num. 35:1;
Covenant of faithfulness in Moab Deut. 29:1
Moses writes Deuteronomy Deut. 1:1, 3
Moses dies on Nebo in Moab, age 120 Deut. 34:5, 7
Israel enters Canaan under Joshua Jos. 4:19
1467 B.C. End of Joshua’s war operations in Jos. 11:23;
Canaan Jos 14:7,
End of the “about 450 years” Acts 13:19,
Ac 13:20, NW
b 1454 B.C. Joshua writes the book of Joshua Jos. 1:1;
c 1454 B.C. Death of Joshua, age 110 Jos. 24:29
c 1192 B.C. Birth of Samuel 1 Sam. 1:20
c 1173 B.C. Jephthah’s victory over Ammon Judg. 11:26,
b 1137 B.C. Ark removed from Shiloh 1 Sam. 4:3,
Eli’s judgeship ends 1 Sam. 4:18
Samuel continues judging 1 Sam. 6:1,
c 1137 B.C. Jonathan, son of Saul born 1 Sam. 13:1,
1117 B.C. Samuel anoints Saul as king of Israel 1 Sam. 10:24
1107 B.C. Birth of David at Bethlehem 1 Sam. 16:1
c 1100 B.C. Samuel writes Judges Judg. 21:25
c 1097 B.C. Samuel anoints David as king
designate 1 Sam. 16:13
c 1097 to David writes his many Psalms Ps. 72:20
1037 B.C.
c 1090 B.C. Samuel writes the book of Ruth Ruth 4:18-22
b 1082 B.C. Samuel writes 1 Samuel 1:1—24:22 1 Sam. 25:1
1077 B.C. Death of King Saul 1 Sam. 31:7
David anointed king of Judah at
Hebron 2 Sam. 2:4
1070 B.C. David’s 3d anointing, over all Israel 2 Sam. 5:3-5
1069 B.C. David takes Jerusalem; makes it
capital 2 Sam. 5:6, 7
a 1069 B.C. The Ark brought into Jerusalem 2 Sam. 6:15
Kingdom covenant made with David 2 Sam. 7:12-16
c 1040 B.C. Gad and Nathan write 1 Samuel 25:1 2 Sam. 24:18
1037 B.C. Death of King David, age 70 1 Ki. 2:10, 11
Solomon anointed as king of Israel 1 Ki. 1:39;
1034 B.C. Construction of Solomon’s temple
begun 1 Ki. 6:1
1027 B.C. Solomon’s temple in Jerusalem
completed 1 Ki. 6:38
c 1010 B.C. Solomon writes most of Proverbs Prov. 1:1;
c 1010 B.C. Solomon writes Song of Solomon Ca. 1:1
c 1000 B.C. Solomon writes Ecclesiastes Eccl. 1:1
997 B.C. Rehoboam succeeds Solomon, kingdom 1 Ki. 11:43;
split 1Ki 12:19
980 B.C. Abijam succeeds Rehoboam 1 Ki. 15:1, 2
978 B.C. Asa succeeds Abijam 1 Ki. 15:9, 10
938 B.C. Jehoshaphat succeeds Asa 1 Ki. 22:41,
917 B.C. Jehoram succeeds Jehoshaphat 2 Ki. 8:16, 17
c 917 B.C. Joel writes the book of Joel Joel 1:1
910 B.C. Ahaziah succeeds Jehoram 2 Chron. 22:1,
909 B.C. Queen Athaliah usurps throne 2 Ki. 11:1-3
903 B.C. Jehoash succeeds Ahaziah 2 Ki. 12:1
866 B.C. Amaziah succeeds Jehoash 2 Ki. 14:1, 2
c 852 B.C. Jonah writes the book of Jonah Jonah 1:1, Jonah 1:2
837 B.C. An interregnum begins in Judah 2 Ki. 14:1, 2;
826 B.C. Uzziah becomes king 2 Chron. 26:1-3
c 811 B.C. Amos writes the book of Amos Amos 1:1
c 782 B.C. Assyria, second world power, begins
to dominate Israel 2 Ki. 15:19
774 B.C. Jotham succeeds Uzziah 2 Chron. 27:1
759 B.C. Ahaz succeeds Jotham 2 Chron. 28:1
745 B.C. Hezekiah succeeds Ahaz 2 Chron. 29:1
742 B.C. Hosea writes the book of Hosea Hosea 1:1
740 B.C. Assyria subjugates Israel, takes
Samaria 2 Ki. 17:6,
a 732 B.C. Isaiah writes the book of Isaiah Isa. 1:1
716 B.C. Manasseh succeeds Hezekiah 2 Ki. 21:1
c 716 B.C. Micah writes the book of Micah Micah 1:1
661 B.C. Amon succeeds Manasseh 2 Ki. 21:19
659 B.C. Josiah succeeds Amon 2 Ki. 22:1
c 655 B.C. Zephaniah writes the book of
Zephaniah Zeph. 1:1
b 632 B.C. Nahum writes the book of Nahum Nah. 1:1
c 632 B.C. Nineveh falls to Chaldeans and Medes Nah. 3:7
628 B.C. Jehoahaz succeeds Josiah 2 Ki. 23:31
628 B.C. Jehoiakim succeeds Jehoahaz 2 Ki. 23:36
c 628 B.C. Habakkuk writes the book of Habakkuk Hab. 1:1
625 B.C. Nebuchadnezzar rules as king of
Babylon Jer. 25:1
Nebuchadnezzar defeats Neco of Egypt Jer. 46:2
620 B.C. Nebuchadnezzar makes Jehoiakim
tributary king 2 Ki. 24:1
618 B.C. Jehoiachin becomes king after
Jehoiakim 2 Ki. 24:6
Nebuchadnezzar takes first Jewish Dan. 1:1-4
captives to Babylon 2 Chron. 36:6,
617 B.C. Zedekiah is made king 2 Chron. 36:10
609 B.C. Nebuchadnezzar attacks Judah 3d time 2 Ki. 25:1
He begins 3-year siege of Jerusalem 2 Ki. 25:2
607 B.C. Fifth month (Ab 7-10) temple razed 2 Ki. 25:8-10
Jerusalem destroyed Jer. 52:12-14
607 B.C. Seventh month. Jews abandon Judah 2 Ki. 25:25,
Babylon becomes the third world power
Jeremiah writes Lamentations Lam. preamble, LXX
c 607 B.C. Obadiah writes the book of Obadiah Obadiah 1
591 B.C. Ezekiel writes the book of Ezekiel Ezek. 40:1;
a 581 B.C. Jeremiah writes the books 1 and Jer. 52:31
2 Kings and Jeremiah 2 Ki. 25:27
539 B.C. Babylon falls to the Medes and
Persians. Dan. 5:30, 31
Medo-Persia becomes 4th world power
537 B.C. Cyrus, the Persian, issues decree 2 Chron. 36:22
permitting Jews to return to 2Ch 36:23
Jerusalem. Ezek. 1:1-3;
Jerusalem’s 70-year desolation ends Eze 3:1
520 B.C. Haggai writes the book of Haggai Hag. 1:1
518 B.C. Zechariah writes the book of
Zechariah Zech. 1:1
516 B.C Zerubbabel completes second temple Ezra 6:14, 15
474 B.C. Mordecai writes the book of Esther Esth. 3:7;
468 B.C. Ezra and priests return to Jerusalem Ezra 7:7
c 460 B.C. Ezra writes the books 1 and 2 Chron. 36:22
2 Chronicles and Ezra Ezra 1:1
455 B.C. Jerusalem’s walls rebuilt by Neh. 1:1; 2:1,
Nehemiah Ne 2:11;
Prophecy of 70 weeks begins Dan. 9:24
fulfillment
443 B.C. Nehemiah writes the book of Nehemiah Neh. 5:14
c 442 Malachi writes the book of Malachi Mal. 1:1
406 B.C. Jerusalem fully rebuilt to ancient
glory Dan. 9:25
332 B.C. Greece, 5th world power, rules Judea Dan. 8:21
c 280 B.C. The Greek Septuagint translation
begun Deut. 32:43
165 B.C. Renewal of temple after desecration
by Greek idolatry. Feast of
Dedication John 10:22
63 B.C. Rome, 6th world power, rules John 19:15
Jerusalem Rev. 17:10
37 B.C. Herod (appointed king by Rome) takes
Jerusalem by storm
17 B.C. Herod begins building the third
temple John 2:20
2 B.C. Birth of John the Baptist and of
Jesus Luke 1:60; 2:7
A.D. 29 John and Jesus begin their
ministries Luke 3:1, 2, 23
(For detailed record of the events in
their ministries see chart in “Equipped
for Every Good Work”, pp. 284-287.)
A.D. 32 John the Baptist beheaded Matt. 14:10
A.D. 33 Nisan 14. Jesus provides sacrifice Luke 22:20;
for the new covenant. Is impaled Lu 23:33
A.D. 33 Nisan 16. The resurrection of Jesus Matt. 28:1-10
A.D. 33 Sivan 6, Pentecost. Outpouring of
spirit Acts 2:1:17
Peter opens the way for Jews to Matt. 16:19
Christian congregation, uses 1st Acts 2:38
key
A.D. 36 End of the 70 weeks of years Dan. 9:24-27
Peter uses 2d key, people of the Acts 10:1, 45
nations enter Christian
congregation
c A.D. 41-50 Matthew writes “Matthew” Matt. 28:15
A.D. 49 Governing body rule against
circumcision for peoples of the Acts 15:28
nations
A.D. 50 Paul writes 1 and 2 Thessalonians Acts 18:11, 12
from Corinth 1 Thess. 1:1
A.D. 51 Paul writes his letter to the Gal. 1:1
Galatians from Antioch Acts 18:22, 23
A.D. 55 Paul writes 1 Corinthians 1 Cor. 15:32
from Ephesus Acts 19:1
A.D. 55 Paul writes 2 Corinthians from 2 Cor. 2:12,
Philippi 2Co 2:13
A.D. 56 Paul writes his letter to the Romans Rom. 16:1
from Corinth Acts 20:2
A.D. 56-58 Luke writes his history entitled Acts 23:33
“Luke” from Caesarea Luke 1:1, 2
A.D. 60 From Rome Paul writes: Ephesians Eph. 3:1
Philippians Phil. 4:22
Colossians Col. 4:18
Philemon Phm. 1:1
c A.D. 60 James, Jesus’ brother, writes “The Jas. 1:1
Letter of James” from Jerusalem Gal. 1:18, 19
A.D. 60-65 Mark writes his history entitled
“Mark” Col. 4:10;
A.D. 61 Paul writes “Hebrews” from Rome Heb. 13:24;
A.D. 61 Luke completes writing Acts in Rome Acts 28:30
A.D. 61-64 Paul writes 1 Timothy from Macedonia 1 Tim. 1:3
Paul writes Titus from Ephesus Titus 1:5
A.D. 62-64 Peter writes 1 Peter from Babylon 1 Pet. 1:1;
c A.D. 64 Peter writes 2 Peter from Babylon 2 Pet. 3:15,
A.D. 65 Paul writes 2 Timothy from Rome 2 Tim. 4:16-18
c A.D. 65 Jude, Jesus’ brother, writes “Jude” Jude 1, 17, 18
A.D. 70 Jerusalem and its temple destroyed Dan. 9:27
by the Romans Matt. 23:27
c A.D. 96 John on Patmos writes Revelation Rev. 1:9
c A.D. 98 John writes history entitled “John” John 21:22, 23
and his letters 1, 2 and 3 John
A.D. 325 Beginning of organized apostate
Christianity at Nicea
A.D. 440 Roman Catholic sect organized at Rome
by Pope Leo I. An East-West split
A.D. 800 Beginning of the Thousand years of the
Holy Roman Empire under the joint
control of the pope and Western
European rulers
A.D. 1229 Beginning of the Catholic “Inquisition”
Persecutions of Christians reach new heights
A.D. 1456 Bibles began to be printed from movable type
A.D. 1517 The Reformation begins the severing of
many sects in protest to the Roman Catholic
Hierarchy
A.D. 1600 British Empire begins rise as 7th Dan. 7:8
world power; charters East India Rev. 13:11;
Company Re 16:13
[It should be noted by the reader that many early Bible events occurred within years that ran from fall to fall. The Jews even today have a “civil year” that runs from fall to fall. After the Exodus in 1513 B.C. “sacred years” were inaugurated which counted from spring to spring. “Regnal years” of the kings of Israel, Judah, Babylon and Persia likewise ran from spring to spring. Where a king died before he completed his last “regnal year” his successor completed his term as an “accession year”. However, the successor did not reckon the beginning of his own first “regnal year” until the next spring. This chart seeks to adapt the above years” to our present B.C. and A.D. system of reckoning and recording of “years”.]
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Original Songs
Here is a link to where you can download the recent original songs in MP3 format in various languages.
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Examining the Scriptures Daily—2019 Sunday, August 18
Examining the Scriptures Daily—2019 Saturday, August 17
Engagement: A Contract?
Insight on the News
The young Brazilian woman and her fiancé had just finished furnishing their new home. The invitations had been sent out, and everything seemed in order for their wedding, just three days away. Anticipating her new life, the bride had quit her job. Then, without any notice, the groom broke the engagement. Stunned and disappointed, the rejected bride sought legal recourse. Her lawyer argued that the ‘marriage engagement is a preliminary contract, and if broken unjustifiably, the innocent party should be compensated for any damages suffered.’ The court agreed and ordered the man to give to his ex-fiancée ‘a dowry equal to a legally preset salary and to pay court costs and lawyers’ fees.’ Commenting on the decision, lawyer Nereu Mello, wrote in the São Paulo newspaper Jornal da Lapa: “The marriage engagement is a very serious contract and breaking it is not viewed with indifference before the Law.”
This concept of the seriousness of the marriage engagement is not new. Under the Mosaic Law an engaged woman who committed fornication received the same punishment as did an adulterous married woman. She was thus treated differently from the single woman who fornicated. (Deuteronomy 22:23, 24, 28, 29) Back then the engagement was viewed as binding—as if the couple were already married. (Matthew 1:19) Christians today also recognize engagement as a serious step. They do not view it lightly.—Compare Matthew 5:37.
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An “Offensive” Name?
Insight on the News
Not speaking the divine name, transcribing it at most as JHWH, and pronouncing it as “Lord,” is a recommendation that should be accepted, says the Catholic periodical Com-nuovi tempi. This was the reaction to a petition raised by the “Association for Jewish-Christian Friendship” of Rome and signed jointly by eminent Catholic and Jewish theologians and scholars. The petition requested that “publishing firms and the editorial staffs of newspapers and magazines” stop using the name “Jahweh” because it is “offensive to Jews, who consider the name of God to be unpronounceable.” Their appeal, the Association says, is based on a “long-standing Jewish tradition” that “has been maintained without interruption” until today.
But should Christians be guided by Jewish traditions? Would it be right for them to put God’s name aside and avoid pronouncing it? The Bible shows that God wants all to know that he, “whose name is Jehovah,” is the Most High. (Psalm 83:18; Ezekiel 38:23; Malachi 3:16) Jesus set the example in this. Rather than following Jewish traditions that “made the word of God invalid,” he taught his followers to pray: “Let your name be sanctified.” (Matthew 6:9; 15:6) And only a few hours before his sacrificial death, he said in prayer: “I have made your name known to [the disciples] and will make it known.”—John 17:26.
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A Successful Courtship—Just How Important?
Young People Ask . . .
A Successful Courtship—Just How Important?
WHETHER a marriage will be happy or not is often determined during the first few years. In 1979, 52,000 couples in the United States were divorced before completing their first year of marriage. And in each of the next several years of marriage, a much greater number of couples got divorced.
How is it possible for two people to contemplate building a lifelong relationship and then, in just a few months or in two or three years, determine that their marriage is a failure?
“Most marriage failures are courtship failures,” explains Paul H. Landis, a respected researcher on family life. “This point cannot too often be repeated.” In lands where individuals customarily choose their marriage mates, courtship is the period of time wherein a couple get to know each other better with the possibility of marriage in view. Why is this period so critical?
A Time for Examination
A happy marriage requires painstaking effort. After counseling many unhappily married couples, author Nancy Van Pelt, in her book The Compleat Courtship, asked: “Why do so many marriages fail? There are many reasons, but the main reason is a lack of preparation. . . . I feel anger because of their ignorance regarding the complexity of the task.”
A husband and wife make a sacred vow before God to be faithful to each other for the rest of their lives. The Bible warns that making a vow is a serious matter, saying: “It is a snare when earthling man has rashly cried out, ‘Holy!’ and after vows he is disposed to make examination.” (Proverbs 20:25) On an impulse a person may make a solemn promise but later realize that more is involved than was bargained for. But the time “to make examination” is before making the vow, not afterward.
Courtship gives a couple the opportunity to make such an examination or investigation. When utilized properly, courtship not only can help a couple determine whether they are really suited for each other but can also prime them for the challenges of married life.
Courtship is a time for a person to search his own heart, to sort out just what his important emotional needs are. When Steve began to court Barbara, she began to reflect on her background and concluded: “I would need a man that would be very patient with me.” She added: “Steve was so patient, putting up with so many things I did to him, and he was very considerate. He always listened to me regardless of what I said. Because of this, my interest in him kept increasing and deepening.” Because each satisfied the other’s emotional needs, their courtship led to a happy marriage.
So during courtship, ask yourself: What kind of person am I? What are my important emotional needs? Also, what are the personality strengths and weaknesses of me and my partner? For instance, one young man said of his girlfriend: “She has a certain stability that I need. I’m restless and flighty. I feel that she has a steadying, calming influence.”
A landmark study of a thousand engaged couples, many of whom were questioned further after several years of marriage, found that the fulfillment of such emotional needs “appears to be of primary importance in today’s marriage.” (Courtship, Engagement and Marriage, by Burgess, Wallin, and Shultz) While love is important, having similar goals and the ability to satisfy each other’s emotional needs are essential for a lasting relationship.
Take Your Time!
What is said at Proverbs 21:5 can appropriately be applied to courtship: “Everyone that is hasty surely heads for want.” You can end up being tragically hurt—emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
For example, Evelyn confessed: “I hate to admit it, but I hastily married a man I didn’t know very well. I was in such a hurry to get married, I thought that things would work out. I left him after three months.”
One study of 51 wives who had been married for many years compared the length of their courtship with how happy they were at present. The result? Those having a long courtship reported greater “marital satisfaction.” When asked, “How often do you regret that you are married?” and, “How often do you and your spouse ‘get on each other’s nerves’?” the short-term daters were “much less happy with their marriages,” reported the team of researchers in the journal Family Relations (1985). What was the reason?
“Short periods of dating may mean that individuals do not get much chance to experience troublesome differences, and thus when differences inevitably arise afterwards, they cause greater problems to the marriage,” explained the Kansas State University researchers. “By contrast, couples who have had such experience before marriage may see them as part of life, nothing to get terribly upset about.” Once initiated, courtship can become simply a best-foot-forward time when the man and woman go all out to win each other’s love. But if given enough time, unpleasant habits and tendencies have a way of revealing themselves. A couple who take their time with a courtship will likely find an easier adjustment after marriage, with fewer disappointing surprises.
So a successful courtship should be long enough for a couple to get well acquainted. The really important concern is not always how many months or years the courtshiptakes but what is accomplished during the period.
However, what if the courtship seems to take too much time?
The Time for Mature Thinking
Some persons, while wanting to keep the relationship cozy, avoid discussing the possibility of marriage. They reason: “Why can’t we just keep things the way they are now?” In some respects this is like a person who goes to a restaurant and is seated at a table. The waiter, after bringing water, bread, and a menu, waits expectantly to take the order. But the customer keeps saying, “No, I’m just fine like this. I don’t want to order anything yet.” Why enter a restaurant if you don’t want to eat a meal? So with a courtship, why enter such a relationship if you don’t want to get married?
Mature thinking will move a couple to consider and discuss the future of a relationship. It is not fair or loving to raise another’s expectations if the intention is not to follow through and get married. “Expectation postponed is making the heart sick,” states Proverbs 13:12. Of course, intimacy and commitment deepen gradually and cannot be rushed. Yet, during courtship especially, a person should ‘let his love be without hypocrisy’ so that his partner, who may be expecting the relationship to lead to marriage, is not unnecessarily hurt.—Romans 12:9.
As the couple seriously consider marriage, courtship provides time for them to talk frankly about their values and goals. Courtship also gives them time to get better acquainted with their partner’s family and discuss how they will relate to in-laws.
Courtship often leads to engagement, when a couple make a formal promise to marry. The previously mentioned study of a thousand engaged couples found that a successful engagement was the best indicator of a satisfying marriage. But a successful engagement does not always mean an entirely smooth one. As the couple spend more time together, formality is set aside. The upcoming wedding may also put the couple under strain. Thus, disagreements, and even quarrels, may occur. Solving such differences demonstrates a couple’s ability to work out matters.
Regardless of the length of the engagement, a Christian couple must refrain from becoming overly intimate with expressions of affection. (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8) In this way, they will maintain a good conscience before God. They will also avoid the trap of allowing sexual attraction to cause them to ignore important issues.
A couple planning for marriage will often find it beneficial to seek out the advice of a Christian minister or an older happily married couple. Such premarital counseling can help them avoid some of the frustrations after marriage.—Proverbs 15:22.
A successful courtship yields many pleasant memories and lays a good foundation for a happy marriage. How to carry on such a courtship will be discussed in a later article.
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Research has shown that a longer courtship often leads to good adjustment to marriage
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It is beneficial for those planning marriage to seek the advice of a happily married older couple
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Examining the Scriptures Daily—2019 Friday, August 16
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